By Boots Dorfman
Long ago and far away,
In a time I well recall,
A lot of folks were very weird,
But thought they knew it all
Before the days of Roe v. Wade,
There lived a race of fools
Who dwelt in Never-Never Land
Where wistful thinking rules
And all seemed truth and goodness,
In that land that Time erased,
Where women mostly stayed at home,
And non-whites knew their place
And we all did as we were told,
And ne'er kicked up a fuss,
For if we did, the Million-Pound
Shit-Hammer dropped on us
And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
Most people doing as they pleased
In the Days of Sandra Dee.
For they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and 'way repressed
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
For Ike was in the White House,
Billy Graham was on TV, and
The State could force your kids to pray
In the Schools of Sandra Dee.
They meddled with our motto,
All those Senators and Reps
"Out of Many, One" seemed
To be lacking verve and pep
A better motto, they believed
Would "Trust God," paramount,
("Agnostics may pay taxes,
But you know, they just don't count")
We longed for love and romance,
Women all besought their Prince
Then got wed to a macho jerk
Who has not been seen since
We danced to "Little Darlin'",
Sang along to "Stagger Lee"
(A funny pop song, oozing blood)
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette we did adore
(Each movie that they made
Was cloned from what they'd done before)
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp;
Miss Kitty was a madam,
Chester was a goofy gimp
We had our share of heroes,
Some like Bobby Darin; he
(A second-rate Sinatra)
Married our girl, Sandra Dee
For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis wed a 16-year-old girl
(Not Sandra Dee)
We'd never seen a rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead;
Our music and our lyrics
Tasted strongly of White Bread
And Beatles lived in gardens then,
Instead of Liverpool
And some guys thought that bashing queers
Was really, really cool
We had no patterned pantyhose
Or reproduction texts
Or prime-time ads for condoms
(Of course, we did not have sex)
We'd never heard of birth control,
And if you fooled around,
You had the kid (no matter
If a good home could be found)
And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
(The closets, they were good and full
In the Days of Sandra Dee)
Buicks came with portholes,
And the sideshows came with freaks,
And oh, the fun we'd have,
Just lining up to gawk at geeks!
Only girls wore earrings then,
No nipple rings were worn
(Now that I think about it,
It’s a shame that fad was born)
And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Cuban missiles very nearly
Started World War III
So now we tell our grandkids
Of our oddball yesterdays;
I do not know about you, Pal;
I'm glad they've gone away
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